Thursday, 05 November 2009

  • Meth: The Porterhouse Steak of Drugs

    Like a juicy porterhouse which has both a filet and a strip, methamphetamine has euphoric and hallucinogenic components, similar to cocaine and LSD, respectively.

    Vanity Plates

    Saw this one the other day. Actually made me feel better.

    calm down

     

Wednesday, 04 November 2009

  • Author Yang Working on Prequel Titled The Earlyhomecomer

    Saint Paul, MN (POBA Press November 4, 2009) – Hmong American writer and author Kao Kalia Yang is reportedly working on a prequel to her award winning book The Latehomecomer: A Hmong Family Memoir.

    Released in April of 2008, The Latehomecomer has garnered awards at the 21st annual Minnesota Book Awards, including the memoir/creative nonfiction award and the prestigious readers’ choice award.

    In the book, Yang narrates her family’s journey from Laos to a Thai refugee camp and eventually the United States. The book is also a tribute to her beloved paternal grandmother, which concludes with the grandmother’s heart-breaking death.

    With the success of Yang’s debut, Coffee House Press announced this week that the author is currently working on her sophomore book which is a prequel titled The Earlyhomecomer.

    It chronicles Yang’s grandmother’s early days as a precocious slave laborer on her home planet of Tatooine and describes how she earned her freedom with the help of Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor.

    The book is set to be released by the end of 2010.

    © 2009 POBA Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

     

Monday, 02 November 2009

  • Diary of a Wimpy (Hmong) Kid

    Last week I called home and told my dad to take my 9 year old kid brother to get his flu shot. After work, I stopped by and my dad tells me, “I had a disagreement with your mom and your brother and I lost.”

    “What was it about?” I asked.

    “I told your brother that he needs a flu shot but he doesn’t want one because he’s afraid it might hurt, and your mom took his side.”

    I walked over to my brother who was in the living room watching Sponge Bob and pinched him.

    “Ow! What was that for?” he asked.

    I told him that that’s about how much a flu shot would hurt, and assured him that if he doesn’t get one and ends up catching the flu it’s going to hurt a lot more.

    I think my kid brother’s a little too soft and needs one of those life-altering childhood experiences to toughen him up. I’m thinking about paying another kid to get into a fight with him. And of course, I’d instruct the kid to lose.

    Rocket Man Revealed

    Today Howard explained that Elton John’s song Rocket Man is actually about doing drugs, which makes a lot of sense.

    “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids”

     

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

  • A Hoppy Awakening

    My beer drinking experience, until recently, was limited to domestic mass produced pilsners like Budweiser and Miller. It was about two years ago when I was introduced to craft beers that I came to appreciate the Gospel of John: “I was blind but now I see” (John 9:25).

    I was on a date when my female companion ordered a Saison, also known as a Farmhouse Ale, and offered a sample. Little did I know my beer drinking universe would be turned upside down. The taste was unlike any that I’ve had before. The Saison was followed by a Summit EPA which was equally pleasing. I was happy to learn later that Summit is brewed in Saint Paul, with humble beginnings on University Avenue.

    Craft beer compared to its watered-down counterpart is like comparing soda to water, and I was the toddler who discovered the endorphin releasing elixir. There is little subtlety when it comes to taste, as many of the craft beer deliver the pungent flavors promised on its labels. Unlike a grape-based alcoholic beverage that I shall not name which delivers more suggestive taste than advertised, a good craft beer can stimulate the palate into a frenzy with the first sip. I challenge any skeptics to try an India Pale Ale. It’s a style of beer loaded with extra hops to preserve the beverage during the voyage from England to India during the 18th century. (Note: I would not recommend a hop-heavy beer for the novice.)

    There are many styles of beer made by many breweries. They range in color, measured in SRM, from the lightest Belgian Whites to the darkest Stouts. There are sweet and fruity lambics which can be easily confused with champagne. There are generously hopped beers with IBUs that are off the chart.

    With so many selections available, the beer drinking experience is a marathon of discovery. Find a beer or a style that pleases you, drink it for a period of time, then discover another style.

    Kids Do the Darndest Things

    Several years ago, when my kid brother was around five, he was playing a game of musical chairs at a birthday party and really needed to go pee. Not wanting to lose, he did the most logical thing: he peed himself and kept playing.

     

Thursday, 01 October 2009

  • Lottery Speech

    Within the spectrum of people that are unpopular with the American public, undeserving lottery winners fall one notch below al Qaeda. Whenever a multi-million jackpot winner is announced, the immediate public reaction is to scrutinize the winner, usually with resentment. Only on rare occasions would the public approve a winner who they feel has suffered enough through life.

    Since I play the Powerball semi-monthly, or every paycheck, I’ve already planned ahead and written a speech for the news conference when I’m revealed as the winner. The speech includes embellished personal stories of tragedy and tribulation to pander to the American public. And since the jackpot is at an estimated $193 million for Saturday’s drawing, I’ve had to revise my speech to exaggerate the calamity several-fold.

    In the speech I first thank the Good Lord even though I’m a devout agnostic. The American public eats this religious stuff up like apple pie on the Fourth of July.

    “First and foremost, I would like to thank God,” I would solemnly announce. “I would also like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Trinity, the Nina, the Pinta, and the Carlos Santana.”

    Then I would play the refugee card and talk about the Secret Wars in Laos, growing up on welfare, living in housing projects, and subsisting on King Vitamin cereal.

    I would also describe about how I was once brutally attacked and shot at by automatic weapons- in a game of Call of Duty. The incident so traumatized me at the tender age of 29 that I was never able to pickup a PS3 controller again, namely, because my parents revoked my gaming privileges.

    Then I would tell the heartbreaking story of how a puppy once followed me home from my bus stop, and despite my protests, my mother would not let me keep the dog. However, for dinner that night we had a stir fry with a very gamey taste unlike which I’ve never had before or since.

    The revised speech also mentions how one of my heroes is my paternal grandmother because she survived the holocaust. Not the one in WWII but her own personal holocaust of being the third wife in a polygamous relationship.

    I imagine that by the end of the news conference I would have everyone gushing with sympathy and earned a unanimous approval.

     

Thursday, 24 September 2009

  • Charges Dropped; Vang Pao Supporters Cope With Aimlessness

    Saint Paul, MN (POBA Press September 24, 2009) – Last Friday, the federal government dropped its case against General Vang Pao, who was charged with plotting to buy weapons to overthrow the government of Laos.

    The charge set off rallies and protests in American cities with large Hmong communities. The Vang Pao supporters who attended the rallies, although elated by the recent news, must now deal with the sobering reality of aimlessness.

    “I came out to support our beloved Hmong leader General Vang Pao,” says 62 year old Nhia Kee Xiong. “Now that the American’s changed their mind, I have to return to running the daycare with my wife.”

    The rallies united both the older and younger Hmong generations.

    “I bought my white shirt and black slacks from JC Penny three weeks ago,” said 20 year old Jason Vang, who is a sophomore at Concordia College in Saint Paul. “I hope that I still have the receipt for them.”

    Chue Neng Vang, who led the effort to raise donations for Vang Pao’s Defense Fund, is now collecting donations for Vang Pao’s Freedom Fund.

    “The Hmong people of Minnesota and Wisconsin donated generously in the past,” said Vang. “We have setup a new fund so that they can continue to show their support for General Vang Pao.”

    Aunt Sally

    Howard Stern talked the other day about the passing of his Aunt Sally. One thing that he remembers fondly about her was that when writing comic books as a child, she took interests in his work. While the other adults, including his own parents, ignored him, she read every single comic and gave him advice. This meant a lot of him and stuck with him throughout the years.

    As adults, sometimes we tend to tune out the younger generation. Or when there is interaction, it’s probably done in a patronizing tone. A genuine interaction with a child, however, could possibly go a long way. (See Butterfly Effect of Kindness.)

     

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

  • Morning Workout Solves Problems

    I’m the antithesis of a morning person. Getting into work by 9:30 is considered early for me. Despite my morning lethargy, for the past two weeks I’ve swapped my evening workouts for mornings and it has made a world of difference.

    For starters, it’s gotten rid of a tightness around my chest that usually occurs in the early afternoons. Sometimes I would have to take a 10-15 minute walk just to relieve the discomfort.

    But most importantly, the morning workouts have solved what I dubbed the Sweaty Underwear Dilemma. I’m the proud owner of 10 underwear which I wash on a weekly basis. Each morning I always put on a clean pair, so doing the math, that leaves me with only three to change into after my evening workouts. If I work out more than three days a week, I have to sacrifice my dignity and keep the sweaty underwear on for the rest of the night.

    Cocaine

    A friend told me an 8-ball of cocaine only costs “a buck fifty”. I thought holy shit, that’s goddamn cheap. Then I found out that in the underworld, a “buck” means a hundred dollars.

     

Thursday, 10 September 2009

  • Turn and Cough

    Turn and cough is a phrase that men are all too familiar with and loathe to hear. It’s what we’re instructed to do right before a set of latex fingers check our testicles in a physical exam.

    I’m already dreading my annual physical which is scheduled for next Tuesday. There’s an old adage that says men are either growers or showers; I have been cursed to be neither. Last time after my doctor ordered me to drop trousers, he squinted with futility and actually had to put on his glasses.

    This time, however, I’m determined to go in prepared. I have to find a way to firm up before he examines me so as to give the illusion of endowment. I see this as a two-part problem.

    The first part is finding an adequate stimulus. The second part is maintaining the appropriate level of firmness. It’s the former that I’m worried about. Between the nurse with the tramp stamp tattoo and Rachel Ray on the cover of Food & Wine magazine, there’s a dearth of inspiration.

    DWT (Driving While Texting)

    Whenever I notice drivers texting, I just want to pull up right next to them and honk my horn to scare the shit out of them.

     

Tuesday, 08 September 2009

  • Overheard Conversation

    I overheard the following conversation yesterday at the Saint Paul Farmers’ Market:

    “I teach Hmong kids and I was so amazed at how bright they are,” said a white lady to her companion. “I told them, ‘I heard that you kids are smart and quick learners. You guys are all that and more!’”.

    Creepy Phone Calls

    Sometimes at night I’ll call my work phone just to spook myself into thinking someone will pick up. I’m even more afraid that I’ll hear myself pick up on the other end.

     

Monday, 31 August 2009

Disclaimer: the material on this site is the expressed work of the author, which may or may not reflect the opinions of the author, and which depict events that may or may not or may have yet to occur. Readers are strongly advised to exercise judgment when reading the material.

POBA Articles

Features